I read a poem I wrote a while ago it was about you and about love it was really melodramatic in all honesty it was kind of crappy I guess that’s how I felt then about you I guess that’s how I felt then about a great many things I guess that’s how I felt then now I don’t feel anything I don’t feel anything I never feel anything. You said I won’t hurt you when we both knew that you did you said open up let me in but then you’d turn away when I did you said I understand but you’d never ask what I hid you said when will you learn you know I think I just did. I miss the times before I lagged I miss the girls I never shagged I miss the love I never got and all the things that I forgot I miss the good times that were bad I miss the fun I never had I miss the friends I thought I knew but most of all I still miss you I miss the strangers that we met I miss their jokes I’d never get I miss the things you used to say except the thing you said that day before you turned and walked away. I wrote a song for you the other day I was feeling down again and I needed you just to sit and talk a while and maybe see you smile but my song felt dated it had nothing new others have already said everything I wanted to say so in the end I just threw it away. Looking back at my life dissapated and degraded still can’t tell what went wrong it’s all too muddy and faded as I look back at all my mistakes it’s clear I don’t have what it takes I’m finally going away I’ll be so glad to see it end I’m sorry I won’t get to know you but we would never have been friends at last I will rise above my mistakes for once in my life I’ll have what it takes. For a moment there I thought I might have a chance and get it right but there’s a voice inside my head you’ll only fail again is what it said so instead I just walk away maybe I’ll see you some other day I hate the way I am in the dark place please understand I really wish that I could explain what I’m feeling and about the pain but I have never been good with words and when I’m near you it just gets worse. The first time I saw you you looked so full of life standing in the freezing cold dreaming of what to come as if you’d never grow old while I was growing numb we found we’d much in common together in the dark I even thought I saw a spark you might say we got a flying start until you tore my world apart the last time I saw you you looked so tired and old sitting slumped in my chair talking of times gone by dragging your hands through your hair staring at the empty sky it seemed you’d lost so much you’d been away for some time I guess life hadn’t been kind you got me worried about you and then you tore my world apart again.

You will find someone to hold she will be perfect just for you she may appear as from above you said but who are you are you the goddess of love if you believe it’s not all dark you can do anything you wish and everything will be alright you said but who are you are you the goddess of light just open up and you will see people aren’t always that bad the world is good and we will cope you said but who are you are you the goddess of hope I know that you will understand there is a meaning to all this and what we had was not in vain you said but who are you you are my goddess of pain. Do you know of the joker with his painted smile I’ll tell you his story if you’ve got a while at his best the joker could be funny as hell that it wasn’t all fun and games few could tell and there was this girl who would laugh at his jests and still laugh as she plunged the dagger into his chest but the joker he smiled and said hey I’ll be fine while inside his pierced heart slowly was dying and as the sun goes down the joker sits alone with his out of tune guitar in hand he starts to moan sings a quiet song trying to confide all those things he has hidden deep inside can’t you see his smile is naught but fake how can you miss that ever present ache don’t you notice the sadness in his eyes but if you ask the joker will deny. Funny how some people seem to choose the things that they will recall funny how some people never seem to choose anything at all funny how a few of us seem to win at every turn funny how the rest of us never really seem to learn funny how those who’ve everything seem to claim all credit themselves funny how those who’ve nothing seem to blame it all on everyone else well I know that those mistakes were all mine I know that I am to blame I swore I’d never repeat them yet once again it’s all the same. In this world where no one seems to care where you feel alone in the dark I still care for you in a time when your friends are all gone you should know you’re not alone I will be with you in a place where your broken heart might heal by the sea that washes pain away I will wait for you in a land where you’ve nothing more to fear where you may finally find peace I will stay with you and if there is no place like that what then if there is no peace to find what then if there is no one who’ll take us in and what if I just let you down again. I thought I’d be happy together with you building our own world away from the rest where they could never touch us however they tried thought it was all you needed you’d never want more and I thought I knew what love was for yeah I thought I knew what love was for but then you decided to try something new you said you needed time to know your heart again so you walked away and left what we’d built and what I used to hold so dear I’ll hold no more and I think I know what love is for yeah I think I know what love is for. You seem to have it all worked out your whole world on a map well that’s just one more thing I could not do I guess I’m not much like you you don’t have to tell me that I’ll let them down again I wish I didn’t but I always do because I’m just not like you and yes I wish that I were handsome I wish that I were smart I wish that I could be someone new but thank fuck I’m not like you.

You know the first look filled me with hope I really wanted you to need me but need proved to be shaky ground I found that everybody wants to be needed but nobody wants to need still I cannot understand what you could possibly gain by making me feel so good and then causing me all this pain it’s been a while since I last thought of you I don’t need anyone anymore and when I feel cold and alone I just wrap myself up in another lie to keep me warm but those lies are now becoming increasingly thin and the walls I built to keep you out are now just keeping me in. You were a light in the cold darkness shining bright far away blinding me but never keeping me warm you were like the winter sun. I can’t tell you what I’m feeling now there’s nothing there to tell my heart is just a dried out well and my body but an empty shell I really cannot think of anything more to say I’m not telling you to go away but nor asking you to stay.

Words by Daniel Hägglund.